Ok, this has nothing to do with my post, but what happened to fall? I don't know about where you live, but in Indiana, we didn't have one. It seemingly went from being 80 to being 30 (like it is today), with no in-between. It is colder than a well-digger's anus here. At least climate change is just a liberal myth right? Right? Who's with me? No? Ok, moving on.
I'm extremely discontent with my life right now. The weird thing is, I'm not alone. I meet with a house church and we were all talking a couple of weeks ago. As we were talking about things we're struggling with, it became evident that no one in the room was content with their life. Everyone seemed to be echoing the same sentiment.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying my life sucks or anything, I've got plenty to be thankful for. I have a great wife and two amazing boys. I have a church family that seems to think I'm alright (a lot of pastors can't claim that). I have a family that loves me who I love back. So I guess the question is: what is the freak is wrong with me? If I have all of that going for me, what is my deal? My parents would be quick to state that it's probably because I'm an overly pessimistic person. They would be right, but not in this account. I am a pessimistic person; something that I have tried to correct over the years to little avail. But this isn't a pessimistic discontent. The only way I can describe it is that it's a state of being where you feel like what you're doing and how you're living isn't it. You feel like you're treading water, but you've been treading for so long that you're starting to sink. I'm not discontent with my circumstances in life, I'm discontent with me. I'm not even sure I can fully articulate exactly what I'm feeling, but I just have a feeling that the life I'm living isn't the life I'm supposed to be living. The frustrating part of this is that I don't know how I'm supposed to be living. Every time I think I know, I start formulating all the reasons why that can't be it.
For instance, I have felt for some time that my family is supposed to be living communally with other people. What I mean is that a bunch of people all live in the same big house or in the same near vicinity. Every time I think, "That's it" I start to think about all of the ways that it just won't work. So-and-so would be hard to live with (like I wouldn't be), who owns the house, what happens when...etc.
I'm tired of youth ministry. Let me clarify. Youth ministry doesn't work (maybe some do, but mine doesn't). There's nothing particularly Christian about most youth ministry. Most of it is based on getting kids to show up by playing games and entertaining them. I've always shied away from that, but my way isn't working either. There has to be a third option, but what is it? I have no clue.
I'm so tired of being discontent. I have zero faith that God will give me the answers, because I'm pretty sure he wants me to be this way right now, not to mention I'm having trouble finding the desire to even talk with him right now. He's probably just waiting for me to move, which is the most frustrating part of all. He's waiting for me to take a step off the cliff, all the while having the trust that I'm going to walk on the air. Have I mentioned that I'm afraid of heights?
4 comments:
Son, welcome to the helter skelter of the world. You are not the lone ranger. I wish there was something I could say to improve the situation, but there isn't. I have worked in the banking business for 30 years and as I look back I do not see a long list of accomplishments. Remember, you do have a family and God that loves and cares about you and sometimes that is what you have to rely on.
i make wipes for infant anuses (anui?).
how's that for accomplishments.
You also have a lead pastor who thinks a lot of you and loves you. Can I say that? :)
You have many youth who think there is nothing like you and many parents who wouldn't know what to do with out you.
You are not alone. There are many of us who are tired. We feel like we are not living the life we should be or doing the things God had planned but yet we can't figure out what we should be doing.
Hang in there, sometimes all you can do is remember not to live life based on how you feel (you were one of those that gave me that suggestion, along with our senior pastor). I know, not much fun having your words turned back on you, sorry, I just could not resist.
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